Wednesday, December 30, 2009


I heard a story once of someone asking a cleaning lady at NASA what it was that she did exactly. Her reply: I help to put people on the moon.

What do you do?

I’ve been experiencing so much over the past few days that have caused me to really have a closer look at the past few years of my life. It has caused me to ask myself some serious, honest questions and it has caused me to rediscover some parts of myself that I have almost forgotten was there... that I’ve lost sight of, even though they are such VITAL things in my life. I feel like I’ve been paging through the scrapbook of my life. Some memories brought back the ‘rush’ I felt and the elation of feeling like I was SLAP BANG in the center of God’s plan and it was evident in everything I touched! Days before the bizarre and disillusioned part of the journey began. These have caused me to learn much, but is has also got me in such a flurry that I forgot some very important things about who I am. Somehow I feel like it is time to remember again...

What is the greatest desire of my heart? I want to help change people’s lives!!!!!! With ALL my heart! I just know that God has given me SO MUCH for a reason – a reason that will (and often has in the past) glorify Him – that is after all the only reason why we’re here. Whether you do it by being an Engineer, a millionaire, a lady in the soup kitchen, a pastor’s wife, a personal assistant, a manager, a CEO, a street sweeper.... How you do it is not important, but THAT you DO IT!

When I was 19 I went through a period of roughly two years where God was teaching me about leadership from His Word, and showed me it applied in real life. He gave me such a hunger for His Word and I couldn’t get enough of it. I believe that when God is in something it should bring forth life in some form. I was flourishing. Then I came to very crucial cross roads in my life and I chose the wrong path. There I was, 21 and feeling like my life was over. How was I supposed to go on? Where was I supposed to go? I felt very strongly that I needed to go back to the place I was before my disastrous decision. My reasoning with God was that I couldn’t possibly face those people again. All of them knew that I made the biggest mistake of my life! What part of that did He not understand?

However, every time I prayed about it, He gave me no different answer than the one He’s given from the start. He was relentless. Finally I decided to submit and go – on condition that He goes with me! (Imagine giving God such a condition – the one Who promises to NEVER leave us nor forsake us... – the things we do sometimes...)

I returned as I felt God had told me. God honored me and everything starting healing, growing, flourishing. I had another 3 years of intense training in God's idea of leadership and what life is really about if you desire to do it God's way. Just before my biggest mistake I had changed jobs and the area in which I lived. There were a lot of new things going on – the transition was very traumatic. But out of the ashes of every failure God was bringing new beauty.

God built very valuable character in me – something that NO ONE can ever take away! Still to this day it is one of the most cherished things about my life: the woman that God has made me, and IS STILL MAKING me!

I started at this job at 19 – a PA to the CEO. Within two years – and after an endless battle for an opportunity – I was given the opportunity to get involved with the company finances. No one taught me – I just seem to know instinctively – and before long I was promoted into a management position that was especially created for me – I was only 24!!!! Now THAT HAS TO BE GOD! WHAT AN HONOUR AND PRIVILEGE. I was able to make a bigger difference – I had more influence and I absolutely believe in influence through relationship – where people give you permission to speak and invest in their lives. One thing management is not, is status. It is an even greater responsibility to do greater things and it positions you to make sure you don’t fall behind in your personal growth, because you cannot give what you don’t have, and your team will never grow bigger than what you are. So (beyond getting the job done) what are you reaching for?!

The CEO took me under his wing and showed me everything about his business. I knew that God had put me there and He was giving me divine favor and I was learning and growing in a way that I could almost TOUCH!!! I would walk a million extra miles for this man, work till whatever hours of the morning, but I would achieve – successfully and with excellence – that which God has entrusted me with – not man. I loved every moment. I worked weekends because I wanted to, not because I had to. I loved the people that surrounded me and we worked so well as a team.

In time, however, change happened; as it always seems to do – the only consistent thing being change and all... – it was a new season and new challenges. The following five years were REALLY hard, but God taught me much – most of the progress was in my character – the invisible. Strange how you can feel such an amazing sense of going nowhere slowly while God is working in your character, preparing you for what He has in store. I was moving, but I didn’t feel it. I felt a lot of anger, frustration, sadness for the unfair treatment that were given to many an innocent person around me, including myself – these were people that I loved and cared about. I felt such passion for caring for them that I was almost permanently on the front lines, sleeves rolled up, fists clenched, fighting for what I believed in and the people that have been entrusted to me as a Manager. God had positioned and prepared me for battle.

More recently I’ve been pondering on why on earth I was able to stay for five difficult years? What on earth possessed me? And I’ve come to realize that the only thing that made it worthwhile for me was my love for the people. I knew that I was there for a purpose and I was called to touch many a life. I was not going to leave until God knew that the time was right to release me. But no matter how hard it was, I WAS TOUCHING PEOPLE’S LIVES!!!! That was more fulfilling that the hardship was hard.

I’m not so much bothered by what exactly God wants to do with my life. What will I be next..? What matters to me more is that I have an overwhelming desire to love and care for people – to make a difference for someone – to live bigger than one!! Lord, give me a platform to do something great for your glory.

I don’t understand how this desire can be so overwhelming on the inside of me. Why does God give it to me and yet He does not fulfill it (not yet anyway). How do you carry the ‘burden’ of a desire this big and have nowhere to go with it...? It must be something like what I’ve heard a woman say about wanting to have children; she said: “ I don’t understand how I can miss someone so much that I have never met.” Just, for me, it is not the longing for a baby, but for purpose, to be part of the miracle of changing lives for the good.

I think of that verse in Isaiah 55...This plan of mine is not what you would work out, neither are my thoughts the same as yours! For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than yours, and my thoughts than yours.


• To strive for excellence in everything I do!
• To use every gift and ability that God has enriched me with to live a life through which others will be inspired to reach inside themselves, recognize and bring to the surface their inner beauty, appreciate and enjoy the value of it; that they may learn to share the joy and beauty of their treasures with others around them, ultimately being complete and fulfilled in their existence.
• To be a sweet fragrance in the lives of those that cross my path that will be remembered long after I’ve gone from their lives.

Who knows what is next? I just want to make a difference, please Lord. Time is so precious...

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