Roughly three and a half years ago someone told me that "God said" that I was going to meet my husband soon - by that meaning roughly a year. He was going to be a dark man and he was going to be so kind, loving and supportive that my jaw was going to drop at just how much God blessed me with such a good relationship. I told her that I wanted a man that loves the Lord and I don't want to have to check whether he has checked with God about His will before making decisions for himself/life/our family. She said that I wouldn't have to worry about that because praying about things, acknowledging God and seeking His will was going to be a lifestyle for this man.
Two weeks later a man came to see me who wanted to sell me life insurance. He got onto the topic of my marital status, which is 'divorced', and wanted to know how I got through the pain of that experience. I tried to see psychiatrists but they made it worse, rather than better, so I ended up walking a journey with Holy Spirit as my Counsellor. I told the man that if it wasn't for Him, I would never have made it, and I meant it.
He got talking about how he ended up in his current job of selling insurance, and he started crying in my office. He said that God said that he would sometimes not see people to sell insurance, but to minister to them. He felt that I was one person like that. He continued to tell me very similar things to the woman who spoke to me two weeks before, and said that I was going to meet my husband soon. Let me just clarify that he didn't know what the woman said two weeks before, neither of them knew me, and they don't know each other.
Eleven months later I met him... But he was not the one. This man was involved in a relationship already when he approached me, but I didn't know. Then he actually went back to her three weeks later, and I thought that he was cheating on me. I found out later that I was rather 'the other woman'. I got hurt, but managed to shake him off and move on.
Then I met another dark man. We've had almost nothing but hard times. We don't seem to speak any of the same language, I can't identify that he loves the Lord, like I asked, he don't seem to have any emotional intelligence with regard to relationships, and every time when I've dared to stick my toe in the water and show feelings beyond a friendship, it seems to have blown up in my face. The most recent situation is where he said that he very much wants to be with me, and then he takes a job opportunity in another country. After months of him being away our relationship has again deteriorated to the point where I feel we have to start building it from scratch all over again. Somewhere along the line I've become so tired of starting over after every eruption of circumstance. By now I feel that we've had the trials and tribulations of a twenty year old marriage, but we've had none of the perks: no family holidays to exciting destinations, no sex, no children, no new adventures... Just problems.
I haven't met any other man since... (Initially I kind of kept this one 'on ice' in case God had someone else in mind, but He didn't seem to.)
So is this God...? My struggle has become one of whether God was going to make this man a man of God after which he would be this great guy that the woman said "God said"? Or is this an indication that this relationship is not meant to be and God is trying to prevent it by us having (what feels like) one disaster after another? Is God trying to tell me something and I'm supposed to use my common sense and I'm not 'getting it'? Should I break off the relationship, or am I walking in faith about what "God said"?
I've really been sticking around waiting for this guy to come around to being what "God said" my husband was going to be. There is no way I would marry him just the way things are now. But it is not happening. So am I wasting away my life waiting for something to happen that is not going to happen? Is my part "faith" or "breaking off the relationship"?
I've become so caught up in people saying "God says" that I don't feel like I know whether I'm coming or going anymore. I've become so filled with sadness and disappointment because "God keeps saying" but none of it is fulfilled at all, or it is opposite to what was said it was going to be. I don't understand: when God said, "Let there be light", there was light. Firstly there WAS light - what He said should be, WAS. Secondly, there was LIGHT - WHAT He said should be, was.
I've become so disillusioned and I'm struggling to trust the Lord in order to go forward. Now I find myself having the tempting thought of "YEAH RIGHT" and trying to resist that by standing on God's Word instead. It has become quite a challenging time for me. I have become angry and disappointed at God because people have said "GOD says". I don't know anymore. It is not fair that I be angry at God because MAN said. If it was God, then why ISN'T it, and why is it not WHAT "He" said it should be? This is a hurtful and difficult place to be!!
I think I've come into bondage over what man said "God" said. How do I get free from that and how do I move on?
I believe I have a calling on my life. For me it is vital to not marry the wrong man. I don't want to miss my destiny and I even think about every person who will be touched by God through my life (or not if I miss my destiny). I am terrified of making a mistake like this. My biggest heart desire is to fulfil God's will for my life.
I've decided to read a book again by Joyce Meyer called "How to hear from God". I think it is time for me to get back to hearing from God for myself and my own life. No one else has the answers. I think it is time to forget about what man said and to focus on God's voice in my own heart. He says that the sheep knows the voice of the shepherd. I know I'm one of His sheep.
Lord, make me free from the bondage of what man said You said. Lead me back to that place where I hear your voice in my heart; to become re-acquainted with You, so that I may find peace; thereby good to come to me. In Jesus' Name.