Sunday, June 7, 2009

A big question...

I got married when I was very young. Even though the cost was VERY high, I've learnt much from that mistake. Still today do I look back on it, and find lessons that I've learnt that help me with decisions in the present.

I was very ignorant back then. I had some concerns about intimacy in our relationship. It took me a while to realize that it is more than a spiritual experience, but while I didn't know better I was concerned for not having an intimate desire for my husband to be. Only years later did I realize that it wasn't merely about the intimacy, but rather what it was an indication of: getting married was not the right thing to do. Our relationship was not in a place of "I do". I didn’t have the courage to break it off, so I was desperately searching for a reason that would make sense (and not just a 'feeling') so that I could justify backing out of the wedding without the guilt for not pleasing people's expectations. I couldn't bear the thought of disappointing people, but apparently I could bear disobeying God in favour of my fear of people. The ironic thing was that, once everything had fallen apart, none of the people that I was afraid to let down was really around to help me. But the God that I did let down, was! I learnt a lot about making decisions. It really is true: Trust the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. Know Him in all your ways, and He will direct your path, and to be afraid of people will get you into trouble, but if you trust in the Lord, you will be safe.

The man I married was a good man. It looked good, it smelt good, but it was not God's best for me. I learnt that sometimes 'nice' simply doesn't cut it, and everything that seems to come your way 'naturally' is not necessarily a path from God that you should follow. No matter how nice my husband was, God spoke with my heart not to go ahead, but my fear exceeded my faith, and I went ahead in disobedience.

One day (shortly after the divorce was finalized) I was wondering in a bookstore and came across a book where the author was telling about following your gut. She said something along the lines of: "some call it a sixth sense, some call it gut feeling, some call it instinct, but whatever you call it, she believed that it was a way in which God communicates with us." She proceeded to tell the reader how she believes that one should always follow it. I knew that day that what she was saying, is true. I knew in my gut that I was doing the wrong thing - mostly everyone else seemed to think otherwise - and controlled by fear I did not have the courage to follow my own heart, but rather positioned myself to please the people. With every step I took, I felt like I couldn't turn back - I felt obligated to keep moving forward - and yet I was well aware that I was making the biggest mistake of my life.

Why am I thinking about this again today: I have resigned by job at TWP. I don't know what God has for me next. How do I go forward from where I am at? Again a pretty big decision, isn't it; a lot to consider.

When I got married, I was in love with the idea of being married, but I was not in love with the man. I was in love with the idea of being singled out by someone as one and only; with the idea of having a family (something I did not know much about growing up, and desired more than anything). When I wanted a divorce, some people suggested that I stay for the financial comfort and luxuries and any other perks that I enjoyed as the Mrs. I had learnt back then that there are some things that money simply cannot buy. So would I continue to betray myself, or would I have the courage to be true to myself? I guess you can draw your own conclusion about that. One cannot make a decision because you're in love with the idea of it...

Today, the decision(s) that I'm facing almost translates into trying to convince myself to "marry" someone(thing) that I don't love. Yet, because it is the only opportunity that I can see right now - just like when I was facing my wedding decision years ago - I am challenged to make the decision between what is more familiar (even though not completely so), and something that I know NOTHING about, and that scares the hell out of me; the path less travelled...

I think our desire to be in control is what prevents us from climbing out of the boat and walking on the water. It doesn't make sense to our minds, and therefore we don't consider the risk worthwhile, even though it would probably be the most phenomenal, unforgettable experience of your life. "No thank you", she says, "I'd rather be in charge."

In this situation, whilst trying to hear from God what He has in store for me next, I am again challenged to ask myself: do I betray myself trying to please others, or do I have the courage to be true to my own heart, even though I have no clue where it will lead me?

I've often wondered about this, but I will never know: what would my life have been like had I listened to God and taken the "road less travelled" a decade ago? What would it have been like if I didn't get married, and then considering ten years into the future? Who would I be; where would I be? The reality is: I will never know, because I didn't choose that path. So again, at this "fork in the road of my life" I don't know where the path would lead me that is the one where you follow your heart courageously as you have no clue where you're going or what you're doing...

Have I made a decision? By all means no, but the journey certainly keeps me thinking, and I believe that God will show me. He said he would take me by a way that I do not know and to rise up in faith that he is leading me forth in perfect precision.

It is such a strange place to be when God says that He knows where you're going, and you are clueless. I find my mind trying to figure it out very often. The thing is: I keep having a sense that this is quite a milestone in my life. Back in January this year God described what was coming as a 'significant work', and to refuse to allow fear of the unfamiliar or change to cause me to resist what He is doing. He talks a lot about being positioned for destiny.

I have so many dreams that have been in my heart for so long. Over time I have started wondering whether all it was, was my overactive imagination - that part of me that dream about more in life - maybe merely a day dreamer? But then again, those dreams have never left me, and whenever I get a glimpse of someone else doing what I dream of, it makes something in me come alive... Is this the start of some of those dreams...?

Joseph had no clue about the moment that he would be fetched from prison to appear before the king, but it happened. There was about thirteen years between his dream and the fulfillment of it. God called Moses at forty. I bet you he never thought that he would encounter a burning bush. David fled for his life for several years since he was anointed as king. Over the history of the bible there hasn't really been (m)any instant greats. So, I guess, what is thirteen / fourteen years in God's calender...? No wonder He puts so much emphasis on patience. He knew we would be in a hurry, didn't He? But the righteous shall live by faith... "sometimes you're out there in God, I guess..."

Even the greatest idea is a bad idea if it is not GOD's idea!

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