Heart to heart...

Very often I write to inspire others, but today I’m writing (attempting) to heal my own heart...

It’s been a month since he ‘left’... it all ended with a simple SMS; no fight, no conflict, no disagreement, no discussion, no nothing...

He’s been ignoring me all this time. The more he does, the more desperate I feel to find out what is going on; the more he pushes me out, the more desperately I find myself wanting IN. It almost feels pathetic. I can’t understand why people can’t communicate; tell me what you think and maybe we can work it out. Or tell me and then leave. People who choose to ignore obviously have no idea of what the other person is going through; the imaginary things that go on and the consequences that come from it. A lot of people seem to think that if you just stick your head in the sand like an ostrich, then all your problems will just disappear, as well as all the people that are involved with it. In my case I almost want to tell the guy that he is only making matters worse for himself with this behaviour. It is not making me go away, but instead, draws me in. It makes me feel a sense of determination to break through.

“A friend indeed”... a part of me wishes that we were able to finish our conversation. A part of me wonders whether there might have been closure for me in the messages that we never got to exchange before you left... To you I want to say that my heart felt broken when I heard what had happened to you! Even crying as I’m writing this... I felt connected to you somehow, even though I have never even met you in person. You left so suddenly... Like you said, “it probably wasn’t meant to be”. I think of you often, but finding out what had happened to you helped me find a measure of closure or otherwise I might have been waiting to hear from you again – even looking forward to it – and you would never have been heard of again... I would always have wondered where you disappeared to. My heart feels at peace in a way for knowing that you are gone forever. Sometimes I almost miss you...

But even as I’m struggling with my own broken heart, I also cry for yours. I wonder whether you ever found peace about the prices that you paid and the losses that you have suffered... or did you pass away broken, hurt, bitter even, angry....? My heart breaks for the brokenness; yours, mine and his... I believe that hurting people hurt people, and can’t even begin to imagine what you guys must have gone through. My heart cries for your pain and the tragic end to it all. It cries for his brokenness and now you are gone. Have you guys ever found peace with one another... or could you not move past the anger, hurt and resentment... unforgiveness.

A part of me wants to believe that what you said is true, but only because he is still so broken. Another part of me wants to believe that under all that pain there is the man that I think I saw. In my heart I still love him... regardless. I wonder what your leaving will do in his life.

My heart breaks at the thought of what he is left with now that you are gone. Dying seems so easy in comparison with living with brokenness. It is so the prayer of my heart that maybe your death will give him the gift of life somehow... However, it must be very hard to resolve matters when the people that you have it with are no longer alive...

Your passing was yet another precious reminder for me about how precious life is and how it is vital to treasure every moment! I wish we could make peace. I wish we could sit around a table and talk and cry our heart out and clear the air... I miss him. I don’t know how to let go...

You know what is the sad part for me...? His son. All my life I never wanted to have anything to do with a man who has children with another woman. Now that I have let him in, come to love the both of them, I hurt for the loss of two very precious people. My heart ache for this child caught up in all of this brokenness. Now I find myself wondering how I am supposed to be satisfied with only a man... no child... and yet no other man’s child will ever be this child; no one else can ever take his place.

The other thing that is really starting to bother me is the fact that I’m not sleeping at night. I lie awake at night with only him on my mind. I have never before in my life had so many sleepless nights over a man. In the morning I’m irritated and sometimes I’m tired. Sometimes I lie and read my bible, other times a book, other times I pray for him. Sometimes I feel upset for not being able to rest, yet knowing that I need it... None of this helps. I’m not prepared to live on sleeping tablets. That I have made my mind up about, which still leaves me with the sleeplessness. I don’t know what to do. I’m not finding peace...

He seems so angry... I wish I could help him. All I can do is pray.

Everyone tries to tell me how he is not worth it and that I should just forget about him. The thing is that all I find myself doing is dying trying. I actually end up just not telling anyone what is really going on inside my head, and I kind of struggle on my own. I find myself not talking about it. People don’t want to hear of your sorry issues and the reality is that I am not able to hate him, or be angry with him. So I can’t get him off my mind, but I just don’t tell anyone that. I find myself thinking that if I did, it would make me appear weak. I’m supposed to just get over this guy and move on, and I’m not managing it. Just that no one has to know about it...

Whilst we were together, especially during the earlier days, I felt so alive. Everything just seemed as if it had finally come together in my life. I haven’t felt that alive in a decade... It seemed that everything and everyone that was part of it just flourished.

It is as if someone took a beautiful glass vase, filled with the most beautiful flowers, and dropped it all to the floor... and now it lies scattered at my feet...

How do I move on with this empty hole inside my heart...?