Crayons: Part 2 - ...the master of those not yet uttered

(Continuation from Crayons: Part 1)

Just like each person holds his crayon in his own way, each person use words differently too. Not everyone have the skill to say it ‘politically correct’. One person might use words that represent an offence to another, e.g. swearing. (I’m not talking about careless profanity, so context is relevant.) Does that mean that they should go unheard and misunderstood because they don’t know how to say it eloquently?

Words in conflict can be especially hard. I think that it is good, though, to apply the same principle: that understanding is more important than each literal word in isolation. Initially I didn’t fare to well. I’m using anger as an example: Someone expresses their emotion, including some foul language. You can either walk away understanding why the person is upset, or you can go away with “they used the ‘F’ word”. Who knows, maybe there was the occasional valid point. I wouldn’t know, I wasn’t listening... for every time I came away with the latter...

One of the “filters” that affect the words we hear/interpret is when you are personally involved in the conflict. When the anger / frustration / resentment, etc. is about you it is not always easy to listen objectively. Admittedly so there have been times when I’ve been less successful at it than other times.

However, in the greater scheme of things I still think that it is more important to continue honing the ability to use words than not communicating at all, even though it might be somewhat clumsy or messy at first. For me it is part of getting to understand each other better and the more you communicate the better you become at it. Sometimes improvement needs to happen “in transit”. Life doesn’t always stop for you to perfect something first and then move forward, so get good at communication “on the go”.

(I think it is important to add that the attitude with which you use words (communicate) needs to be kept under constant watch. Being “clumsy” or “messy” with words does not give you the right to rip others apart as you please. Attitudes of the heart is often not spoken with lips, or heard with ears, but whispered heart to heart while you’re busy saying something else.) If you really care about the other person that is part of the relationship then you make room for them to grow (and if the caring is mutual, then you don’t abuse that gesture – If you get invited to a party and it matters to you, then you show up - - and you tango!)

Learning to communicate well – especially with those that we share longer term relationships with – is a challenge that require commitment, patience and perseverance. Shutting up like a clamp, creating the illusion of peace, doesn’t really help anyone. It is a ticking time bomb that will inevitably explode somehow and someone somewhere will most certainly bear the scars.

We can so easily become caught up in what words mean to us that we forget about what they mean to the one uttering them. He who holds the crayon knows the picture he is trying to draw. Sometimes the picture is not a portrait of you, so if you really care to know, get to know the colorful vocabulary in someone else’s crayon box.

Crayons: Part 1 - Want to colour?

Words... hmmm... what do they really mean..? Let’s colour while we chat about it, shall we..?

I took a walk to the bank this morning. COD (cash on delivery) is apparently not spelled Mastercard or Visa. However, obtaining cash from your bank account whilst in a foreign country was potentially going to be a little bit trickier. When in doubt, ask, so off to the bank I went. The lady explained a few options to me, of which one was a cash advance. What is that? To my mind it sounds like a loan that I would need to repay. I didn’t want to borrow money. After a few more questions I realized that cash advance in this country means the same as cash withdrawal in my country. It is two different words that really mean the same thing.

Forget about tomatoes and potatoes; when people use different words to describe the same thing is where it becomes fun and games. More importantly than the word, is understanding, without which you have very little (if anything) more than a loud clatter in an empty tin.

I once read about a study that was done with regard to the meaning of words. A group of people were asked to draw a picture of their perception of the word tree. Not one of the pictures looked the same. Some drew tall trees with thick stems, some drew fruit trees, Christmas trees, trees with nests in the branches, trees with chairs in its shade, trees that resembled more of a shrub-like plant covered in leaves and some a mere stick picture that might be anything had you not known it was a tree. It was not complicated, yet the word tree created a different picture in each mind.

It is one thing if the words we use describe something tangible. It is something else when words become something that we use to attempt to describe something about ourselves; our intangible feelings and thoughts. Now words become one of the “crayons” for understanding. Just one colour seldom make for an interesting picture, but if we combine it with crayons of tone of voice, facial expressions, body language, hand gestures, association and comparison, etc. communication becomes either deeply meaningful or highly confusing.

I think everyone grow up in their own vocabulary in some way. Those who get to know you well learn to recognize what you mean when you use certain words, terms or phrases. It becomes like your signature and they would recognize your ‘crayons’ almost anywhere.

Sometimes it is not so much about the extent (or limitations) of your vocabulary, but also how you use words.

I once attended a seminar aimed at improving communication within a marriage. On top of words having different meanings for individuals, it also differs for male and female. In this case you want to use words to create emotional intimacy between husband and wife. One of the skills we learned about is the art of using association. The aim is to convey emotion / experience by means of associating it with something familiar in the other person’s ‘world’ (so to speak) so that they may truly understand what you mean. Mere words without understanding do not contribute meaningfully to a growing relationship, therefore the absence of understanding defeats the purpose of attaining deeper levels of intimacy. In this instance the association is what should cause the proverbial penny to drop.

*Imaginary example: We had friends over for tea one evening and I used China plates from a set that has been in my family for four generations – with great care as you can imagine. Afterwards my husband, with the best of intensions, helped me to tidy up the dishes, and in the process broke one of the plates. I was enraged but he didn’t understand and told me, “It’s just a plate; I’ll buy you a whole new set.” That didn’t solve anything; neither did the ensuing argument, because he failed to understand how I felt or why.

Eventually we get around to talking about it. I ask him, “Do you remember when we bought our new car last year and we had to clean out the garage? I accidently threw out that old, rusty dusty fishing pole I found not realizing that it was the same one you used fishing with your dad when you were a kid. We tried to save it, but the garbage truck beat us to it at the break of dawn the next morning. It was gone. I feel about the China plate like you felt about that fishing pole.*

In and of itself fine China and fishing has nothing to do with each other, but my emotion about China and his emotion about the fishing rod does. And that’s what it’s all about... (to be continued...)

Who am I ~ Casting Crowns

Sometimes nothing says it better than a song...





www.youtube.com/watch?v=BUg_EJg3SR4&p=C8421765D0866E29&index=6&feature=BF




Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name
Would care to feel my hurt
Who am I, that the Bright and Morning Star
Would choose to light the way
For my ever wandering heart

Not because of who I am
But BECAUSE OF WHAT YOU'VE DONE
Not because of what I've done
But BECAUSE OF WHO YOU ARE

I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
A vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours, I am Yours

Who Am I, that the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love, and watch me rise again
Who Am I, that the voice that calmed the sea
Would call out through the rain
And calm the storm in me

Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You are

I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
A vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours, I am Yours

Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You are

I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
A vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours, I am Yours
I am Yours
I am Yours
Whom shall I fear
Whom shall I fear
'Cause I am Yours
I am Yours... BOTTOM LINE... LITERALLY!!

Quoting the Book vs. knowing the Author

“...Yet mere] knowledge causes people to be puffed up (to bear themselves loftily and be proud), but love (affection and goodwill and benevolence) edifies and builds up and encourages one to grow [to his full stature].”

“But while knowledge makes us feel important, it is love that strengthens the church.”

It is not just Bible talk; it is a lifestyle. Do we impress or intimidate with our knowledge or do we share the love of God? What's the difference? It is in how well you know the Author of the Book!

I recognize that everybody has a different communication style and personality, varying levels of intellect and vocabulary, but one thing remains constant: the Bible without the God of the Bible is worthless, period. Do people get as far as hearing about a God who loves them and sent His son to die for our sins, or do they get lost in the maze of quoted scriptures, thinking that they either don’t know their Bible that well (compared to you) or will never know it as well? When we share the Gospel is the emphasis God or us? Do we edify or do we compete? The latter can easily cause the Bible to be nothing more than lifeless words, lost on some pages of just another book. But if we contain Jesus beyond our intellect, even if you are a cracked pot, how can you prevent His light from shining through and touching the life of another with His love? Bringing forth life is what God does. Don’t get in the way of that.

I’ve known people in my walk with God who have been very capable of quoting scriptures from the Bible that made me (for one) feel ashamed: book, chapter, verse, and even part a, b or c whether anyone cared to know or not. However, I have seen those same people not bearing the fruit of the Spirit. Somewhere on my journey of loving the Lord, I have lost my admiration and my respect for that. I have to agree with what I’ve once heard, that it is more important that you live the verses that you know, even if they are few, instead of knowing it all and not walking the talk. I could be wrong, but I don’t think the latter impress God either.

Over time in my relationship with God I have come across an increasing number of people who do not want to hear the Bible quoted to them. They often refer to those Christians as Bible bashers and I’ve seen many steer clear. I have also come across more people who look at someone quoting the Bible and not living the example – not just making mistakes, but a lifestyle of disagreement – and making the decision that they prefer the life they have instead and don’t desire to be like that Christian.

I have heard countless people feeling judged and condemned by the Bible for the way people wield their two edged sword, beheading and decapitating the very ones that Jesus died to save. They end up never knowing the God of the Bible, the God who IS love; Not that He loves sin, but who sent His son to die for the sinner so they may know His unconditional love for them. Maybe the wielding is done with the best of intentions, but ignorant nonetheless and most certainly destructive.

I have heard the Bible quoted to point out the sin of another, yet when the same person is confronted about a weakness or mistake of his own they quote the verses about letting he with no sin cast the first stone... What makes you superior to the one at whom you were flinging stones..? In the final analysis we are all sinners saved only by the sacrifice of an Only Begotten Son – Jesus – salvation by grace. Some make the choice to accept that sacrifice earlier, but it does not make you superior, neither to him who chooses it later or to him who never chooses it. (However, it will change the consequence that each one will experience as a result of their choice – undeniably so.)

I’m not saying that quoting the Bible is wrong, purse. I am questioning the motive of the human heart when we pull that black book out of our back pocket. Do you send a message of a loving, life giving God or something else that has more to do with yourself... judging another, struggling with own insecurities/low self esteem, self justification, trying to prove a point in a proud argument that really has nothing to do with God, etc...

Neither am I saying that knowing the Bible well is wrong. After all, it is our weapon of warfare. It is what you do with that knowledge that matters, and sadly the reality is that it is not always about God. Some people have Botox injections and buy a new car every six months, and sometimes Christians quote the Bible for the same reasons.

Bottom line: we are to love the way the God of the Bible does. That is every Christian’s highest ~ first and foremost ~ calling, and the Bible is there to help us learn all about that.

Personally I have become fond of those who teach the Word from the heart of God with simplicity and practical application; something I can actually do something with, instead of just impressive words. When you start off, “J-O-H-N 3:16.........” you’ve lost me. I am first and foremost concerned with what God says... the where is not the first priority (although good to note). It is an afterthought, something that can always be asked for or looked up. I want to have that personal experience of His presence and I want to feel that He is within my reach and not some “pie in the sky”, cold, impersonal Bible quote. John 3:16 doesn’t change my life, but the content of it does: For God so loved the world that He gave His only Son to die for my sins, and if I accept and believe it, I become His child and gain eternal life.

I have come to a place in my life where I want to hear God’s heart beat and I want to talk plainly and simply (yet truthfully)... I want to feel the joy and the warmth of His presence and I want to fellowship with Him, just like He did with the disciples when He used to eat with them and visit with them in someone’s home. I love the parables and stories. He told them life changing truths as if talking about the weather... plain and simple, and love just radiated from Him and many were transformed by it. The gospel is not complicated.

Sometimes when I hear people quote the Bible I think of a scenario where maybe a doctor has to share the news of a death of a loved one on an operating table. Plainly quoting the Bible is like the doctor who makes you feel like they’re talking about a kitchen utensil; cold, clinical and impersonal. You want to shout at them, beating a fist on their chest, “THAT IS MY BABY IN THERE!!! (or husband, or mother or father, etc...)” Another doctor will tell you the same news and you’ll feel convinced that they did all they could, pulled out all the stops – a sense of compassion that touches a deeper part of you, a sense of truly caring and sharing your grief – somehow comforting, even though it does not bring your loved one back.

I guess what this leaves me with is: When you “talk Bible” or tell others about God, what do you think their experience is of it? Do they get to the God of the Bible; do they hear His heartbeat through your words, or are their noses moulded imprints in the jell-o puffiness of intellectual knowledge about words on a page of some book about some important person somewhere and tomorrow they’ve forgotten where it is all written again... They tried too hard to remember the quote that they didn’t hear the rest... some guy called John... and something to do with a 6... or is it 16?... or something or other... oh well...

I long for the simplicity of the message of love and salvation. I long for the Bible to come alive when I read it – that it would stand up from the pages. In the same way I desire that it will be so for those that I share it with. I long that they will feel the love of the God that I’m talking about and that it will unleash something in them that will set their souls on fire with a burning desire to know this God that I’m so passionately enthusiastic about. I want for God to use me to show others that you don’t have to be smart or know the whole Bible; you can start with one verse and it can also change your life, as long as you grab a hold of the God behind it who is the Author of the change that His Word brings.

Lord, I want to know more so that I can feel closer to You. And as I get closer to You, may you increasingly radiate from me, that Holy Spirit will reveal the truths of your Word in me when I speak of You, but also even in the unspoken words of my life, and even when I stumble but my heart is right before you, use it somehow for good by Your grace to teach them one more thing about You. May they hear Your heartbeat and be curious enough to also want to come lay their head on Your chest to hear what I hear... A love like no other – one beat at a time!

*Note: For info... the intro is a quote from 1 Cor 8: 1; (Amplified & New Living Translation respectively)

Rings and things

Every now and again it catches my eye (or something would happen to remind me) and I wonder to myself, “WHAT was I thinking?"

When I got married I didn’t own a lot to begin with. My husband had a fully furnished two bedroom townhouse. Whatever we had duplicates of, I sold mine. That left me with near nothing but my clothes and a few small odds and ends that you didn’t mind a duplicate of. Needless to say, when I got divorced a short while later, I walked out with next to nothing, but including the rings.

I purchased our wedding bands. Mine was very pretty, but inexpensive. My husband’s (on the other hand) was roughly five times the value. I bought it on account and was still paying off on it at the time. For some reason I had made up my mind that I would fight for the rings. Heaven knows what I was thinking... Maybe it was the fact that I wasn’t that made me to be so foolish. Nonetheless, in the end I got it alright! Now what am I supposed to do with it...? More than ten years later I’m still wondering. It never did give me back anything of what I had lost through that experience...

Every now and again I’m reminded about what really matters, and things are not it!

Maybe at the time I thought that I would somehow feel compensated for the prices that I too did pay for my poor error in judgement. Maybe I thought that it would somehow give me back some of my power, maybe even some of my identity. Maybe I wanted him to have some of his own medicine... feel what it felt like. Strangely enough though, it was nowhere near as satisfying as I had hoped it would be, and it most certainly did not mend the broken me. Maybe I just wanted to feel that I hadn’t completely lost after all.

Today I am grateful that that is one of the few reminders that I have of that painful season of my life. I cherish the lesson that I’ve learned from it dearly. Every now and again I come across someone who exhibits the same behaviour and I feel empathy for them; If they only knew what you only realize on the other side of your foolishness.

Having nice things is really great. I certainly have a few things that are dear to me, but on the other side of having owned much and having owned very little, and all the times that I’ve started over, I have come to realize some valuable principles about things.

Things don’t buy you love, acceptance or happiness. Having them can be cause for much enjoyment and fleeting moments of pleasure, but in and of itself, the moments (and the often resulting false friends) are just that: fleeting.

Having things and having no one that wants to enjoy the pleasure of it with you can cause much loneliness. The lonely will often not admit this though.

If the things you own stop you from making quality decisions for progress in your life, maybe you should stop to think and determine whether you’re still master of your things, or whether it is has become master over you.

Sometimes things become replacement comforts for the weaknesses in our lives or the flaws that we refuse to face, deal with or overcome. We mistakenly negotiate with “I” that just one more possession will replace the emptiness that “what if...?” leaves in our soul. It won’t. Joyce Meyer says it well, “Choose your pain.” We can either have instant gratification now and suffer the consequence and pain of unresolved matters later, or face the music and be able to move beyond it; sing a new song on the other side.

Things can never give you back what you’ve lost. It cannot replace a loved one who is gone, whether by divorce or death. It cannot replace a best friend lost. It cannot mend a broken heart, no matter how much you spend. It does not increase your worth, and it doesn’t make you any more acceptable (in the true sense of the word) to society. Things cannot give you that look that says “I understand”, and it cannot wrap its arms around you in a warm embrace. Things do not kiss it better and never responds during hour long conversations... Things don’t make you sincere and it does not give you wisdom. Things cannot dry your tears.

Things does not have eternal value. When you leave it stays right here... nothing more than a memory of ‘used to be’s’.

It reminds me of the rich young man in Mark 10 who asked Jesus about what he had to do to be saved. (V 21, 22) Looking at the man, Jesus felt genuine love for him. “There is still one thing you haven’t done,” he told him. “Go and sell all your possessions and give the money to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.” At this the man’s face fell, and he went away sad, for he had many possessions.

Having things was not his downfall, but rather the fact that his trust was in his things. Jesus knew this, and selling it would have set him free from the hold it had over his life, but the man couldn’t let it go. Things were the master of him, instead of him the master of it.

The secret that the rich young man did not know, was that if you seek first that which matters most everything else would follow. I like the way The Message says it, “If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers—most of which are never even seen—don't you think he'll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What I'm trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God's giving. People who don't know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don't worry about missing out. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met.”

I also have to add... as your heart starts steering toward what really matters, that which you want changes... You don’t stop wanting, but what you want, change.

I love what Peter says in Phil 4 - ”I've learned by now to be quite content whatever my circumstances. I'm just as happy with little as with much, with much as with little..” and “Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me WHO I am.”

I have learnt a few truths about things since those rings... (not quite what I had in mind while fervently fighting over nothingness...) It has been a constant reminder to always remember what it is really about, and to spend my time and energy on what matters.

I’ve learnt much about the art of letting go – not all there is to know, I’m sure, but much nonetheless - and I’ve discovered more liberty than I have ever known till now! After all this time that ring is still just a ring... but I, on the other hand, am a new creation, singing a new song on the other side of it!