Forbidden fruit

I’ve heard someone say that you meet a whole bunch of the wrong guys so that you can recognize and appreciate the right one when he eventually comes around...

How true this is, I can’t say, but I know that I’m done nibbling on bananas when it is grapes that I’ve prayed for.

Over the years prior to this moment of revelation, I used to find a guy (or he would find me), and I would think to myself that this one might have potential. Then I embark on a bit of a journey getting to know him better so that you can determine a few things... (Some things are just not obvious at first glance). However, sometimes you are able to recognize a few things rather quickly, and here is where I have often made this crucial error in judgement. Let the games begin!

God helps me to understand why it is not a wise path to travel down. I don’t listen (for a variety of reasons over the years), and then I become increasingly attached emotionally – because I continue to invest in the relationship (ignoring the warning signs) and before I know it I am stuck with a guy that is not what I want, but now I have fallen for him and I think things are “complicated”.

Complicated indeed because at this point I stand a very good chance to have my heart broken... (sometimes this has been more painful than other times, but painful nonetheless). Then it goes to stage two of the process.

I try to find a way to “fix” the situation by starting to pray fervently that God would do some miraculous work in this person’s life, because after all, every person has some good buried down inside... hidden treasures, so to speak, if only they would dig deep enough. However my motive is not pure. I don’t want this person to change because I want them to be a better person. Instead I’m not owning up to the fact that I’ve been a fool in not heeding God’s flashing warning signs and now I’m trying to prevent my heart from being broken if the man would just co-operate and change like he’s supposed to.

I acknowledge how he is not a man that I think worthy of marriage, BUT there’s no reason why he can’t BECOME it, right? If only God would wield His magic wand and do a miracle, because after all, we serve a God for whom nothing is impossible and the fervent prayer of the righteous has tremendous power...?

There’s just one problem: You see, when our hearts become clouded with selfish motives we cannot manipulate the Word of God to suit our purposes. That does not make God’s Word any less powerful, but God knows the motive of our hearts when we pray, and He might elect to not answer it the way we want because He knows better. He also knows that you will end up thanking Him for it, even though the consequence of your foolishness is painful for the time being.

Nevertheless, when God has then failed to change this person I would then feel upset as if God has not been true to His Word. (At least I have caught on to the fact that I can’t change people and therefore I don’t even try.) I also get upset with the guy for not wanting to co-operate with God and change, and I feel frustrated because it seems that God has taken a vacation from answering prayers... FERVENT prayers at that!

Through all of my experiences I have finally learned something: If you meet someone and they are not what you desire in a life partner, and can’t live with who they ARE, then don’t waste your time investing in a relationship that has no future. Stop nibbling on bananas merely because there are no grapes and then land up slipping on the banana peel. You can hurt yourself REAL bad, you know? Rather wait till the grapes come around; the man that DOES have the qualities that you’re looking for and then you can nibble to your heart’s content!

You see, potential is just that: an unfulfilled promise of something that is not guaranteed. If a person has the potential to be someone or do something but they don’t choose to fulfill that potential, then you are going to be stuck with the reality of who and what that person IS. Can you live with that? If the answer is yes: move ahead. If the answer is NO.... move out of it. You must remember: "till death do you part" can be a very long time...

If someone DOES improve and grow over time it is a bonus. But if you ALREADY don’t like what you see, and you have no guarantee that they will change, then you need to consider carefully what you are prepared to live with or not. A very dear friend of mine calls it “deal breakers”; Those things about a person that you either HAVE to have to move ahead (not negotiable), or those things that they have that you CAN’T live WITH... Those are determining moments in your relationship – maybe even crucial ones.

I’ve just come to realize that life and time is very precious... I don’t want to waste any of it anymore; not if I can help it. I know what I’ve asked for, and I’m not THAT hungry that I want to nibble on anything other than what I've asked for.

I’ve come to realize that there is a big difference between “till death do us part” love and “love thy neighbor as you love yourself” love. People are precious and valuable, but I don’t marry every one of them for this reason.

When it comes to a life partner... I’ll stick to my grapes, thank you!

Taxation with pink slippers

A dear reader of my blog actually followed up with me this morning why I haven’t written something new in a while. That is very much appreciated. Thank you. It made me realize that there might be others wondering the same thing... So I thought I’d just keep you posted in case you didn’t know. (People reading my blog is a rather new experience for me – LOVING it!)

I’m working and studying part time. Taxation is the flavor of the last few months; I am writing that exam tomorrow, 21 May. The only thing I’ve been writing is notes on Taxation, past exam papers on Taxation, and wishes on how I’m looking forward to having more free time once Taxation is behind me. However, I have to add that I have thoroughly enjoyed this subject; I even consider possibly pursuing Tax in greater depth, but for now I am also looking forward to having more freedom of choice of what I spend my time on.

I’ve been skimming the top of most passions of mine over the past few weeks. Facebook has been lucky to get the occasional one liner... from my phone... because when I switch my computer on I feel like a kid in a candy store with no money... wondering whether stealing is a crime, a moral issue of right or wrong, or just someone’s opinion that doesn’t necessarily apply to me :(

Today I have one day study leave, and tomorrow I write this exam. I’m wearing green today; the colour of the money that the tax man takes from you... with pink slippers... the warm, fuzzy feeling I’ll have when this exam is over!! Haha

Fully present, fully feeling, fully ALIVE

Excerpt from Captivating (by John & Stasi Eldredge)

“Be present

John and I were at a newcomers’ dessert-type thing, a get-acquainted deal where, as part of our introductions to each other, we were to share what our “family motto” was. In our little group was an older couple we had been drawn to. The gentleman had a twinkle in his eye, a spark, as if he had discovered the secret to life and it brought him much joy. His wife was a tiny woman who I can best describe as being very present. She was not a woman hiding, nor a woman afraid. She was a woman at rest, at home with herself and with all pistons firing. She was alive and beautiful.

The gentleman looked to his wife and asked, “Do we have a family motto?” She answered, “Well, it’s been on the refrigerator for the past thirty years.” He asked, “What, Amana?” After some laughter, this is what she shared. This is what she lived by. This is what she invited others into:

Now we should live when the pulse of life is strong. Life is a tenuous thing... fragile, fleeting. Don’t wait for tomorrow. Be here now! Be here now! Be here now!

To live as an authentic, ransomed, and redeemed woman means to be real and present in this moment. If we continue to hide, much will be lost. We cannot have intimacy with God or anyone else if we stay hidden and offer only who we think we ought to be or what we believe is wanted."

I listened to some preaching by Tim Storey about seven or eight years ago. It changed my life. I’ve listened to it over and over again during the past few years – I bought the recordings - and every time Holy Spirit had reminded me of different things that he said in his sermons, but I have not thought of these words in all of these years. He said, “God wanted him to be fully present, fully feeling...” Tim was talking about having a way too busy life, to the point where he didn’t have time for the ordinary things like taking his son to the dentist. Then God changed his life and showed him that he didn’t have to be on conferences and in church every day, all the time in order for God to do miraculous things through him; to be the man of power for the hour! God wanted him to be present.

It is not always easy to be fully present, fully feeling; especially if your heart is being ripped out of your chest.

I have experienced a relationship very recently that changed my life forever. It awoke my heart to life! I guess God wants me also to be fully present, fully feeling, fully alive, and not numb or unconscious. That is something that I have been for many years. It also served its purpose because God had been doing a tremendous work of healing in my life, and I needed to be set aside for Him only for a time. I guess that time is drawing, or has drawn to a close and now it is time for something new.

The book Captivating is aimed at unveiling the mystery of a woman’s soul. I first read this book about eight or nine months ago. This book is based on, what the authors believe are the three longings of the heart of every woman: (1) to be romanced, (2) to play an irreplaceable role in a great adventure, and (3) to unveil beauty. That is, according to this book, what makes a woman come alive.

I started reading it and thought to myself, “WHAT!!?? I DON’T WANT TO, OR NEED TO BE ROMANCED BY A MAN! I DON’T NEED TO HAVE BEAUTY UNVEILED FOR ANYONE, and I DON’T C-A-R-E ABOUT BEING THE HERO IN SOME GREAT ADVENTURE!!” I felt frustrated because I couldn’t relate and threw the book one side. I thought to myself, “ Where the hell did I come from?” I wasn’t your average woman and I didn’t dream like one and I couldn’t care less about a few things that seem like such a big deal to other woman. I actually almost found myself feeling sorry for them at times, and grateful that I didn’t have the burden of the same issues, being a woman myself. My life was simple, uncomplicated and fulfilling... or so I thought...

About 18 months ago, my loving sis sent me a book, also by John Eldredge, called Dare to Desire. In it he writes, “What have you done with the deep desires of your heart? Because the truth is, those desires don’t ever go away. If we do not find the life our heart was made for, if we abandon those desires and try to get on with our duties and obligations, those desires do not disappear. THEY GO UNDERGROUND.”

The deepest desires of my heart had gone underground many years ago because of great pain in my life. I had become afraid of desire, because I didn’t think that I stood a chance in hell ever having them fulfilled. So I started making peace with a compromised life; making the best of a bad situation.

But I can see that that was not pleasing to the Lord. So He put me on a journey that I did not plan on, and He used it to change my life. He brought me TO LIFE.

Only thing was, now I was (am) fully alive, fully feeling, and hurting like hell!! I was mourning and feeling like every sob was from a place so deep inside me that I could barely breath, let alone explain in words what I was feeling. Those are my most intimate moments with God: when He is the only One who knows, even when I don’t and can’t tell Him. It is His LOVING me in those dark and low places of my life that has brought me to the place of relationship with Him that I have today. How comforting to have this relationship that will last a life time – on this earth and BEYOND! Eternity is a time space that I can’t even imagine, and THAT is how long my relationship with Him will last. ISN’T THAT AMAZING!!

In those very broken moments my initial feeling was that of not having been good enough. That has always been my feeling. But this time, it was changed as I progressed. I was able to see that I had offered everything that was beautiful about me as a woman, as a person to him, and he didn’t want it. I was able to see that it is not that it was not good enough – in fact, it was b-e-a-u-t-i-f-u-l! Only the second part was hurtful to me... he didn’t want it. My question to God was, “how could he NOT want it? I mean, it was my best; my heart, my love, my passion, my friendship, my beauty, my joy, my peace, my comfort, my wisdom, my understanding and support,.... so much beauty, and yet there I was, all of it scattered at my feet.”

My concept was that he took something beautiful and precious and threw it away, until I realized...

He didn’t see what I saw... he didn’t hear what I heard... he didn’t experience what I experienced... he didn’t feel what I felt... he didn’t realize what I realized...

I was looking at this experience as if he had seen it through MY eyes. BUT HE DIDN’T. And through HIS eyes it looked very different.

We were in the same situations, the same relationship, the same spaces, the same moments, but we did NOT experience it the same way.

MY LIFE CHANGED! But for him I was just another woman of many who have come and gone. Nothing changed for him. MY WHOLE LIFE DID!

In his mind he wasn’t throwing away something beautiful, precious, valuable... I was just another fling; short lived and meaningless. And after me, he just carried on to the next, and the next, and the next.... but MY LIFE CHANGED because he had passed through it... GOD changed me and used this journey for HIS purpose. In the context of eternity this was a defining moment in God’s plan for MY life. He was just the human body who achieved God’s purpose for my future, my destiny.

So yes, it was hurting right now, but I believe that what God had achieved in me in the greater scheme of things BY FAR OUTWEIGHS the pain that I was feeling, and which (God knows/knew) was only temporary. When the pain is gone, the wonderful work that He had used it for will remain... and it will add to the beauty of me. ISN’T THAT AMAZING!!! ...beauty for ashes... Just as God promises in Isaiah 61...

I read some excerpts from an article by Brenda Davis (Lord, please change me):

You would no doubt confess that before you experienced some of the difficult things in your life, you were a different person. Every test you went through exposed something in you (good or bad) that had been hidden, maybe even from yourself.

God moves dramatically in us, not to just make us happier people or to fix all our problems (although His will for us encompasses these things too). But He works in us to transform us into men and woman who will exhibit His nature on the earth and give the world a glimpse of Jesus.

But because the change we need happens in intimate fellowship with Him, a by-product of our transformation is that we’ll also get to know Him in a deeper way.

Our transformation is orchestrated by One who is perfectly loving, faithful and compassionate in everything He does. We can embrace the processes He chooses.

Deep within us the Holy Spirit’s work may be hidden from view, but that doesn’t mean nothing is happening! In fact, before you can even say, “Lord, please change me,” the work has already begun.

In closing, I want to quote another few words from Captivating...

"So, may we take a moment and remind you who you truly are?

You are a woman. An image bearer of God. The Crown of Creation. You were chosen before time and space, and you are wholly and dearly loved. You are sought after, pursued, romanced, the passionate desire of your Fiancé, Jesus. You are dangerous in your beauty and your life-giving power. And you are needed.

As a woman who has been ransomed and redeemed, you can be strong and tender. You speak to the world of God’s mercy, mystery, beauty, and his desire for intimate relationship. You are inviting; you can risk being vulnerable, offering the weight of your life as well as your need for more because you are safe in God’s love. You labor with God to bring forth life – in creativity, in work, in others. Your aching, awakened heart leads you to the feet of Jesus, where you wait on Him and wait for Him. The eyes of His heart are ever upon you. The King is captivated by your beauty.

We need you. We need you to awaken to God more fully and to awaken to the desires of the heart that He placed within you so that you will come alive to Him and to the role that is yours to play. Perhaps you are meant to be a neurologist or a horse trainer. Perhaps you are to be an activist for ecology or the poor or the aged or the ill. You are certainly called to be a woman, wherever else He leads you.

And that is crucial, dear heart. Whatever your particular calling, you are meant to grace the world with your dance, to follow the lead of Jesus wherever He leads you. He will lead you first into Himself; and then, with Him, He will lead you into the world that He loves and needs you to love.

It is by invitation."

I am invited; YOU are invited!

My temperament

Melancholy

You are a deep ocean and just as violent. You are emotional and thoughtful, artistic and musical. Even if you don't draw or play an instrument, art and music play a big part in your life. You are talented and creative. You are philosophical and poetic. Sometimes that means you create a piece of art or poetry, and sometimes it means you have a new idea or a new way of approaching something.

You are always an original. You underestimate yourself and are sensitive. You put others before yourself. You feel their pain. When someone has a problem, they come to you. Not to solve it, but to cry with them. You are analytical and conscientious.

Even with all this analysis you are idealistic. You appreciate beauty. You see things others miss, and can feel a problem coming like a chill before the rain. You are orderly and organized and strive for perfection in everything you do.

You value things, people, resources. You are very focused on the details. You make friends cautiously and the friends you have are few and very close to you. You are very faithful and devoted. You value loyalty and can become resentful if betrayed. You seek out special people who see your depth and beauty and they travel with you for long friendships.

You have a deep concern for other people and will listen to their complaints. People rely on you. Introvert: The Resident Genius.

Empty or opportunity?

About nine years ago I went through a very similar experience in my life than I’m going through now. Around that time I received this piece through the Spiritled Woman website’s weekly ezine. It meant so much to me at the time. I printed it out and stuck it on my wall at work where I could be continuously reminded of this in any other situation that I had to face where I was experiencing “empty”.

It was the weirdest experience to receive it in the ezine again two weeks ago... just as I was going through the same (in essence) experience as nine years ago... So I thought to share it.

EMPTY OR OPPORTUNITY? (By Dawn Scott Jones)

Empty is not fun. No one likes the thought of an empty glass, an empty gas tank and least of all, an empty bank account. When considered in those terms, empty is just plain undesirable. But what would happen if we could begin to think of empty as opportunity? What if, every time we saw barren, we could imagine bounty?

The idea of seeing what could be instead of what is, would not be, however, an earthly exercise in wishful thinking, merely an act of human intellect. Instead it would be a spiritual application of a powerful biblical principle, which simply teaches; "We [the righteous] live by faith, not by sight" (2 Cor. 5:7, NKJV). In other words, we are to live in expectancy, standing on what we know and believe to be true and not living in despair, troubled by what we see with our natural eyes.

When we start training our hearts to look at life with spirit eyes instead of with human ones, we will begin to recognize that appearances are not final and facts are not always the truth. For the faith-walker, when the world says it's over, we know God is just beginning and an empty condition is just an opportunity for the Lord to fill it with something spectacular and beautiful.

The widow of Zarephath discovered this (see 1 Kings 17:10-16). In her moment of desperation she experienced a life-shaking encounter that forever rattled her perspective. After the death of her husband she found herself with empty cupboards, empty pockets and an empty hope. That emptiness in God's economy, however, was precisely what made her a candidate for a miracle.

The widow's empty turned opportunity when Elijah, the prophet of God, asked her for a piece of bread. Instead of clutching to her meager supply, she agreed to release her grip on the only remaining resource she had. Who would have known that this single act of faith would activate and unleash the miracle supply of God for her and her son? Just as the word of the Lord had said, "The jar of flour will not be used up and the jug of oil will not run dry until the day the Lord gives rain on the land" (NIV). Her source of survival never dried up. Though to the natural eyes the jar and jug appeared near empty, leaving them in a continual state of hunger, the eyes of faith understood it to be abundantly plentiful, leaving them completely satisfied and fulfilled.

This Old Testament story gives us a contemporary lesson on how we should view our needy condition. Instead of seeing our lack as hopeless and futile, we should gaze with the eyes of faith into the possibilities that await us. Remember, when "empty knocks" it just may be opportunity in disguise.

Still not convinced that empty can be good? Then consider this. Jesus knew empty. In fact it was the very emptiness of our Savior that now allows us to be filled with eternal life. Think about it: First, God emptied heaven and sent His only Son to live and die on this earth. Then, Jesus emptied Himself so He could take on human form and pay the price for our sin (see Phil. 2:6-7). What an amazing concept to grasp! The fullness of Jesus was preceded by His willingness to empty Himself. And last of all, hell was emptied of its power, leaving an empty tomb as proof that our God is an all-powerful, miracle-working God and nothing is impossible with Him!

Today Jesus is on "empty" pursuits. He is not angered about our empty condition; rather, He is tenaciously after our barrenness so that He can bring us His life and fullness. Just as He summoned the "empty jars" at the wedding in Cana of Galilee so He could fill them with water and transform it into wine, He calls to us right now.

God asks for our desert, our dry and empty places, so He can fill us with eternal, life-giving water and grant us the opportunity to taste the sweetest wine this life has to offer.

No, empty is not fun. But it does possess the potential to be transformed. Whether it is our human heart and all our emotions, or our outward circumstances, God is the source and the fulfillment of everything we could ever dare ask for, dream of or imagine. So next time you see empty, believe for opportunity!